The Family: A Proclamation to the World , that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God" (¶ 1) and that successful and happy marriages "are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7).
It is very normal to have disagreements and challenges in a marriage. Lehi teaches in the Book of Mormon."it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things" (2 Nephi 2:11) This opposition is a key part in our agency that gives us the opportunity for growth, intimacy and understanding in marriage.
Couples who see their marriage as a relationship not only with the spouse but also with God are less likely to toss in the towel when challenges arise and life is difficult. They will remember their spouse's value as a child of God and the covenants made at the temple sealing. They will actively use the principles of prayer, faith, repentance, forgiveness, respect,compassion and love. They understand that they need to give 110 percent of themselves to the care of their marriage.
How can a married couple handle Differences?
- Prevention of a disagreement by having charity. Letting go that the husband leaves all the lights on in the house or the wife leaves the toothpaste cap off. Learn to pick your battles per say.
- A second half of prevention is having couple councils regularly. In these meeting you can talk about your relationship and discuss potential issues,concerns, needs and even appreciation.
- Check for Destructive Interaction Patterns. According to marriage and
family professionals, there are many interaction patterns that can harm a
marriage and make dealing with differences and disagreements very difficult.
Look over the following list and ask yourself how often they occur when you are
having a disagreement. Make your evaluation alone, and then share your notes
with your spouse. Resolve together to eliminate that pattern from your
relationship.
Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)
Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)
Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)
Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)
Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)
Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)
Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)
Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)
Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)
- Calm yourself first. Ask yourself are you in control. Contention comes from the devil. Alma taught us to "bridle all passions" and why is this "That we may be filled with love." ( Nephi 11:29-30 and Alma 38:12)
- Bring up the concern in private with a calm voice. Speak for yourself using the word "I", not "you" statements. For example I felt hurt when you left me alone at the party, not you are so inconsiderate"
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts. A repair attempt is anything that de-escalated tension so discussion and problem solving can proceed.
- Soothe yourself and each other. If repair attempts is unsuccessful allow more time for yourself or spouse or both to calm down.
- Reach a consensus about a solution.
Resources
Hawkins Alan, Dollahite David,Draper Thomas (2012) Successful Marriages and families. Proclamation Principels and research Perspectives
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